A little while ago I started a new book. I was sitting in a coffee shop on a rainy day and began to read.
I had only got to the second paragraph of the first chapter when I suddenly had a realization.
Realization probably isn’t quite the right word. I want to use vision but I’m not sure if that’s the right word either.
I was overwhelmed with a feeling of knowing what I’m here to do in this life and why. I was actually moved to tears of joy!
The book was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and the run up to the vision went something like this:
In recent months I’d started noticing a pattern that I don’t seem to be able to settle down with a man. I was 30 years old and the inevitable clock had started ticking. Even though I wasn’t broody, I loved kids and I was scared of missing out on having the option to have them one day. I didn’t want to be left on the shelf watching everyone else experience what this life is really all about. All those special memories as a family.
The result of all these feelings and a recent career move as WELL as house move meant I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to settle FAST. Settle in all sorts of ways though: put down roots in my new house, make new friends, meet a new man, choose and launch my new business. So many ‘shoulds’: should do this, should do that. I was driving myself crazy.
Then … BAM! I saw it. I saw what I’m here to do.
I don’t need to have children of my own. I don’t need to pass on my genes in order to leave something worthwhile behind when I leave this world. All I need to do is LOVE other people. I may find myself alone for a little while but that’s just my marital status. I’m here to SUPPORT those who have families. I am here to do whatever I can to enable them to bring the next generation into the world and give them the best possible start in life. Through caring and supporting other people, I know it’s my love that will live on. And that’s something I have plenty of to give.
I shed silent tears when I realised this. It felt so right! The relief that I felt was huge. I also felt a sense of loss of my dreams… but I have to be honest and say they felt a little like someone else’s dreams, not my own. Perhaps one of those idealistic visions that we have as a child but then life takes it’s unpredictable twists and turns as we get older.
I’ve always done things a little bit differently. I’ve always felt a little on the outside of social circles; more like a witness than a participant. But what I realized this year was what I’ve MOST needed to do. It’s taken me three decades to realise it but I need to truly love myself. It is UN-believably cheesy to watch myself type that and I cringe at the thought of other people reading it too… but then, why NOT?
I arrived at burnout through my chronic lack of self care. I treated myself like a machine. I drove myself to the edge with work, dieting, exercise, “social” activities that were actually work conferences. Where was the fun? Where was the TLC? I’ve learned since then how powerful a little self care can be. I’m so incredibly happy in my own skin now. And this is coming from someone who has been an obsessive, self-destructive perfectionist for years. But I’m letting all that go now.
So, that’s what I’m here to do.
To show you how to love yourself in the way that I have learned to love myself. I learned the hard way, but now I want to spread the word and show you in realistic ways what self love means and get to be this happy. Through nutrition, healthy lifestyle changes, healthy relationships, and taking care of your inner spirit, you can truly feel as free and content as I do right now.
Have you ever had a vision like this? Or a knowing about something? If so, leave a comment below – I’d love to hear about it!
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